May 27 2017

Life with Cancer

What’s Lost

This disease I have, it robs me of things I’ve taken for granted.  Like sex.  It took it away slowly, I suppose that I should have noticed and reacted sooner.  I didn’t and it is too late now.  The really bad thing about this is it takes away your ability, but not your wanting.  The medicine given to me is a major impact, because it is designed to limit the testosterone that my body produces.  To be completely honest in writing this, I call it my eunuch meds.  I suppose  I dwell too much upon it.  I’m trying my best to let it go.  
I’m learning to let go of a great deal.  You let go of your life with cancer in small pieces.  Things you let go of, like normalcy.  Once you are diagnosed, this is one of first to go.  You really don’t let go of that, it seems to go on its own.  You try to hang on to it with all your might, but it’s dragged from your grasp a little bit at a time.. Other things one has to let go of, is your peace of mind.   Even though in letting go, you do find a bit of peace.  You let go of the ability to really choose the path your on.  
Your choice of choosing where and when and what you do is impacted, no longer do you have that luxury.  Your forever tied to the medical field providing your treatment.  It’s the numbers, the numbers on the blood test.  Just like the Chemo, you now watch the calendar by the numbers.  It’s the numbers which drive your time tables.  They lead you on the path of their choosing, not really yours anymore.
Some would say, I should seek psychological medical help to deal with this.  One more layer to add to it.  Maybe that would be right. I need to let it go.  One more thing to let go of.  Sometimes, I do feel I’m close to letting it all go.  I just haven’t reached the point of surrender.
The saying always has been if you love something, Let it go.  


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