June 29 2017

Story waiting to be told

Posted in: Family

The Story waiting to be Told

I’ve sat down a couple of times, trying to write this story. I seem to have, what they call writers block. I can’t seem to come up with the beginning line. Where does one start. My life is in complete turmoil, and not all that turmoil is of my own making. So, one is suppose to start at the beginning.

The beginning, where is the beginning? I’m searching for a beginning, something to give me a balance
Balance, balance in ones life is hard to find. I’m off balance a great deal anymore, the older I’ve gotten, the worse my balance has become. You see, this isn’t the story, that I wanted to write about. Sometimes, when I sit down to write, the story doesn’t roll off my keypad. I have to coach it out into the open.

My brother called today, and I told him I was trying to write about our experience of finding each other and how this came out into the open. He said he couldn’t wait to read it. Well, brother you may be waiting a while for something or anything that may make sense. The story has to percolate through the gravel of my life experiences, that filters my thinking and writing. There seems to be a lot of fines in those layers of gravel and it’s going to take a while before it filters through.

June 17 2017

Family

Posted in: Family

Brother and Wife

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My brother Otis, and his wife Amy.  It was great to meet up.

May 27 2017

Life with Cancer

Posted in: Cancer

What’s Lost

This disease I have, it robs me of things I’ve taken for granted.  Like sex.  It took it away slowly, I suppose that I should have noticed and reacted sooner.  I didn’t and it is too late now.  The really bad thing about this is it takes away your ability, but not your wanting.  The medicine given to me is a major impact, because it is designed to limit the testosterone that my body produces.  To be completely honest in writing this, I call it my eunuch meds.  I suppose  I dwell too much upon it.  I’m trying my best to let it go.  
I’m learning to let go of a great deal.  You let go of your life with cancer in small pieces.  Things you let go of, like normalcy.  Once you are diagnosed, this is one of first to go.  You really don’t let go of that, it seems to go on its own.  You try to hang on to it with all your might, but it’s dragged from your grasp a little bit at a time.. Other things one has to let go of, is your peace of mind.   Even though in letting go, you do find a bit of peace.  You let go of the ability to really choose the path your on.  
Your choice of choosing where and when and what you do is impacted, no longer do you have that luxury.  Your forever tied to the medical field providing your treatment.  It’s the numbers, the numbers on the blood test.  Just like the Chemo, you now watch the calendar by the numbers.  It’s the numbers which drive your time tables.  They lead you on the path of their choosing, not really yours anymore.
Some would say, I should seek psychological medical help to deal with this.  One more layer to add to it.  Maybe that would be right. I need to let it go.  One more thing to let go of.  Sometimes, I do feel I’m close to letting it all go.  I just haven’t reached the point of surrender.
The saying always has been if you love something, Let it go.